Featured

Brave Series : Day 5 – Grace

​Women like you, who wear the sun on their skin should never look downwards for fear of being too intense. You are too much light to not be felt -Shine

I am stressed out on a daily basis, a lady saw me recently and said I looked 27years when I haven’t even reached that age sef, I work at a guest house, I live there also. Before then I was living with my brother and his family, the wife is a tiger, I have never seen a person like that in my life, always complaining and nagging.
She has a beer parlor and I help her out sometimes from complaining that when I plug my phone that it draws current from the generator, to refusing me to speak with customers in a friendly manner, so I got tired and left.

The job at the guest house has its benefits, I get to not worry about where to live or what to eat,  I am like a mini madam there, but the place is a hell hole,  you wake by 5am and stay busy till almost dawn. 
I don’t have friends and the stress has got me feeling tired of the work.

This year has been trying for me but I plan to return to school, get a degree and hopefully make something out for myself. 

Hopefully when people look at me next year they won’t call me a 27year old when i am not up to that age. 

Hi my name is Grace and I am Brave
#Brave #gogetter #braveheart #documentaryphotography #contemporaryphotography #photography #storyteller #visualstoryteller #brave #grace #canon📷  #shine #poetry #poetsofinstagram #words #instagram #everydayafrica #every #survivor #sunset #humanoftheworld #braveheart

Featured

Brave Series : Day 4 – Kelechi

How i survived is exactly what it should be; A miracle. Stop trying to explain it understand it. ——– For those who look at you with wonder in their eyes.

I feel stupid sometimes because everybody says so,  they laugh at me when I can’t do things right, I am 12years old and I have seizures every time, they said its attack and I don’t know why it happens, when I try starts I cannot breathe or do anything for sometime, one aunty even said I was possessed and they took me to one church for deliverance.

I went to the village with my mom to get incisions on my face and to collect drugs too do that I will having the seizures but every time I stay alone and start thinking about it,  and worrying whether this is how my life will me, If I sleep thinking about it, it will happen that night.
I don’t feel confident in myself again, I am afraid every time. I just want to be normal. I have plans of being a nurse when I grow up,  it’s fashionable. 
I have had good times this year sha, I play with my sisters and my brother, I am in JSS 1 now,  I have made some friends in school. I am gradually learning to not worry too much about it now, everything will be okay soon. 
#Brave #documentaryphotography #photojournalist #micropoetry #attacks #kidsoftheworld #canon📷 #blackandwhitephotography #mobilephotography #monochrome #dslr #blackandwhite #storyteller #storiesgram #visualstoryteller #survivor #contemporaryphotography #photographyeveryday #poems #poetsofinstagram

Featured

Brave Series : Day 3- Chuks

​When did you learn to let doubt swallow you whole? You said you wanted to walk on water; stop looking at the storm. That fear will drown you—–Brave

My name is Chuks and I am a fashion designer, early this year I experienced a hard time putting together my brand, I was broke and had no idea what i wanted to do, I was afraid of starting, entrepreneur life is not for children or for the faint hearted but how will you know that you are strong or badass when you keep hiding and saying, I will do it later. 
So one morning I decided not to stay at home anymore, I went to one man’s shop and asked him if I could stay here and work with him, surprisingly he said yes. 

I invested in myself by allowing myself get schooled under him, pride is what will get you killed out there when you are just starting, you have got to have a child’s mind mehn,  stay humble. 

Right now i design things that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I had stayed in my house for fear of not being good enough or that my work won’t be able to sell. 

One of the major constrain I have been facing is getting good materials like the one Yomi Casual uses, that young man has inspired me in more ways than one, did you see his new collection? 

2017 is going to be lit, I just know it. 

There is a bag I always carry around, I call it my MMM, you just have to trust that one day your hustle go pay. 
#Brave #blackandwhitephotography #monochrome #growth #fearbegone #documentaryphotography #storyteller

#fashiondesigner #yomicausal #everydayafrica #humanoftheworld #warriors #brave #canon📷 #streetstyle #streetphotography #kamnelechukwu #photojournalist

Featured

Brave Series: Day 2 -Uloaku 

​”We are afraid that our bodies will be torn apart by men who live their lives trying to win wars that they have no business fighting; that even if healing was a man whose lips speak peace to our souls we would still choose to be broken.” ———Choice

I have so much sadness in my life,  I didn’t plan to go to university, I wanted to go to a catering school, This is the 6th year I have known the father of my “Sonia” and it has broken me in more ways than one,  I got pregnant thinking that he would love me once I took in for him,  but it didn’t work. 

I don’t know if he intentionally disappears on me and only comes around when I have good things going for me.. Love has only brought me nothing but pain, from the cheating to the verbal abuse and doubt about the paternity of my child.

 

I want to be able to not rely on him to take care of my child, so I am going to register next year for the catering school.
I am not a strong woman I know, somedays I am afraid that my life is over, like there is no redemption for me, even when I try to forget I look at my daughter and it seems like my heart is tearing apart again. 

But i cannot keep blaming other people for the way my life is,  I can still decide to be better and that choice is something that makes my name give me hope—-Uloaku (A house of wealth) 
#survivor #brave

#blackandwhite

#choice #poetry #poetsofinstagram #documentaryphotography

#storyteller 

#contemporaryphotography #visualstoryteller #monochrome #bravo #street #storm #everydayafrica #everydayph #invisibleborders 

#canon1200d #canon📷 #stilllearning

#Brave

Featured

Brave Series: Day 1-Efe

​Some people are land mines, some people you have no business meeting, you step on them and they explode in your face,  I hope you learn to not be your own wrecking ball. –Wrecking Ball

I remember the first time I come Portharcourt from Benin to learn hair dresser work after my WAEC, I been happy but I no know say while even as my papa still dey alive say I got live like an orphan in for this life. 

Blood even as e join people so,  no mean say them be your family, my own sister wey bring me come here just abandon me because of one thing wey I still no understand , some people do get your progress for mind at all. 

I don get 3 madams since I start the work , I no even know which one worse pass inside all of them.

The first one treat me  bad ehn, I even develop ulcer because I no see enough food chop talk more of sleep,  the other one refused to pay wetin we agree,  the third one that is the person I still dey with nah the worse person to work for. 

Despite all the things wey I don go through, I still strong because one day i will not work for any person again,  December season Dey come I go open my own shop even if nah one small corner like that. once I get small money. No be fear hold me, nah money. 

This year been hard for me, but I know say those things na just temporal, next year go better. ——-Efe 

#survivor #brave

#blackandwhite

#wreckingball #poetry #poetsofinstagram #documentaryphotography

#storyteller 

#contemporaryphotography #visualstoryteller #monochrome #bravo #street #storm #everydayafrica #everydayph #invisibleborders 

#canon1200d #canon📷 #stilllearning

Featured, THINK

Thoughts 

Lately I have been thinking about all the ways we abandon ourselves, only to leave pieces of our souls in hollow places like other people’s bones, how we are constantly disappointed by the reflection of ourselves we see in the mirror when it’s not even the big picture.

I am thinking about all the abandoned spaces in our bodies that we can recover when we show up whole regardless of all the flaws, imperfections and uncertainty we may have or feel. 

I am thinking of how we could stop assuming that the way we love any person is the way they want to be loved and just ask “how can I love you”.

I am thinking of how loneliness turns every step you make into desperation, of how I am scared of commitment and permanence and asking if I know how to love deeply or if I am content with loving the idea of a person.

I am thinking of all the possibilities that are available to us when we walk this path together holding spaces for others by not judging them and just letting them be and just speaking softly into the hardness of their souls and ours.

These thoughts keep me awake but I know it’s part of the process and I have to trust that I make the right decisions. 

Happy New Month, i hope October brings love and happiness.

Opinion+ Self Help, Rants and Bants, THINK

Unlearning Self-Hate

I used to be clueless about self love; well not anymore. Lately I’ve been learning and the process for me can only be described as grueling, painful, and liberating.

I used to think loving one’s self meant being proud and turning your nose up at peoples opinions and walking around with a superior air.

While growing up I thought it was something that was gotten from having done something right. Something that I described as a well DESERVED payment for doing good.
These days I find myself learning that, that analogy is faulty.
I am learning that Self Love means giving yourself the permission to just “Be” and being content with all that you are.
It is taking the all that you think you know about love and unlearning it.

I certainly will not say that you hate yourself, far from it, but if you are anything like me you feel like whatever move you make is being scrutinized by the entire universe and that unless they give you permission love would forever seem like a myth. You want to feel like you Deserve Love unless you’ll feel like a fraud.

We sacrifice every waking moment to the quest of waiting hand and foot on people to tell us they need us and validate our actions.

It nauseates me to think this is what I spent my 22yrs on earth doing.

We throw ourselves at the mercy of these people and enthrone them, living off the scraps they offer us. But we have the choice to forever hold up our hearts to people who would forever keep smashing them to bits or take our hearts polish them and say its ok to not know what love is but I know hurting isn’t loving”

The truth is this I haven’t mastered the art yet, I am still learning, but the more I learn the easier it becomes for me live a life filled with joy and peace.
It is easy to want to compare and belittle yourself at whatever chance you get. Just because we haven’t accomplished the things we should have at a certain age.

If we keep doing that it simply means we don’t really like ourselves at all.

I have lived so much in self hate that love now seems like a distant cousin whom I’ve never met.

But I have chosen to abandon self hate and instead start on a road that encourages me daily to embrace my flaws and all the goodness that oozes out of me even though I am shortsighted to see it sometime, That same path that shows me the escape hatch out of the perfection mentality, the constant need to be more.

These days I simply allow myself “BE”, clipping the wings of wanting to tear myself down with my thoughts, sleeping on the couch of self-forgiveness instead of lying in bed with liars whose constant torment of ” You are not enough” used to be the gospel I preached to myself daily.

Love is patient, Love is Kind…….

Love is doesn’t hold back the best of itself

Love does not pick days to love

Most importantly……

Love Does Not Hate Itself

With Love
Suzanne.

Rants and Bants, THINK, TidBits and Random Stuff

On Turning 23

It is quiet just like I thought it would be.

I am learning that social media is the worst tool to measure where you are right now as a person, its ok if you aren’t where you wish you would be, social media doesn’t tell you that instead it feeds us with the craze to want to make our stories the same and I decided to fight the tide.

I wish there was a hand book that would tell me how to navigate “Adulthood” especially freshman year.

If its anything to go by, its the realization that I don’t have to beat myself up for not being where I should be.

The only Selfie I took on my birthday; I was very uneasy
The only Selfie I took on my birthday; I was very uneasy

Its saying no to self-hate and understanding that I am a miracle….

It is straightening this shriveled up body that has always wanted to please everyone and abandoning apologies (thanks ore)

Its enjoying the quiet that comes with my awkward social life.

Its smiling steadily as my Dad for the first time in my life “Says Happy Birthday” to me.

Its saying hang on “kiddo” you may not have all the cake you want and stuff on your wishlist, but you’ll get there.

So here is to me being the best version of my self, to serious soul searching, conscious living and brave decisions.

You are loved infinitesimally by a God who knows what’s up.

Be a Hermit/Recluse/Socially Awkward person all you want, this world is a brighter place because of you.

So I really don’t know how to navigate 23 yet but I know one thing, its going to be the best year yet.

Love And Light
Sue

Rants and Bants

DEAR SUE: VERSION 22:15

I know right now you are sitting in your room, alone with your phone, your thoughts are going haywire and you are crying. The kind of tears that is rooted in fear. Easy Kammy Easy.

Its almost as though everywhere you turn, a brick wall is being set up, it feels as if God himself is elbowing you in.

You are almost certain God wants to teach you a lesson.

THESE LESSONS YOU DIDN’T WANT TO LEARN

22 meant crying ceaselessly into your pillow.
22 was Not understanding how up until now you didn’t have a clear cut idea of what you wanted
22 meant being scared shitless, afraid of whether you were going to graduate
22 meant inner turmoil that left you restless for days.
22 meant feeling lonely and not knowing what would happen.

But it also meant being Brave and walking forward like a mutant warrior

It meant trusting unwavering and loving steadily.

It meant praying till your voice became hoarse and your knees bleeding.

It also meant that finals came and projects was done with. You did it.

The fears you had about failing meant you had a distinction in your results because Rom 8:28 came tumbling down your path every single time.

FEAR IS A THING THAT EVAPORATES

Eloghosa Osunde knew what she was saying when she wrote that line.

You learnt to be vulnerable, to give parts of yourself to people regardless of what they did with it.

You learnt that shame and guilt were crippling emotions that would ruin you.

You Learnt that Accepting Scraps for fear of not finding anything better was total rubbish

You learnt to hold people accountable for the way you were being treated.

You Learnt that Love was Give and Take, it meant Growth and it Sure Meant “You”.

You Learnt that Toxic people were bad for your health.

You learnt that Lipstick made you happy, and that it was ok if you were not able to afford the things you wanted at the time.

You learnt that finding your voice meant being still.

But most importantly You learnt that Maybe Meant No, that people won’t always tell you what the truth.

You did great this year.

You had joy in abundance.

You traveled, you laughed and you lived.

You eventually got over your fear of public speaking.

You are more than you think you are.

You may still not have a surefire plan as to how Version 23.16 may look but you have a God who knows the way and has a blueprint that would be the envy of those who made Burj Khalifa.

BRAVE

That word keeps ringing in your ears, and you know now that truly Fear is a Thing that evaporates, Slowly then all at once.

Happy Birthday in Advance Sue; An Upgrade is in order.

Xoxo

Obasi Susan Kamnelechukwu

TidBits and Random Stuff

My Birthday Wish List

Its no Longer News that Am turning 23 soon, I woke up today with mixed feelings, Because its tempting to want to measure my life and all that I’ve accomplished with what I see daily on the internet.

I am tempted to beat myself up with a big stick and add a slap too for good measure.
But lately I have come to this understanding that its ok to feel all you want, Of enjoying the uniqueness of your own journey

I am learning to be Content, to not be ashamed to say, I cannot afford this now and learn to be ok with it.

Hence if given a choice as to what I would like for my birthday; here is what I would readily say/pick.

Cassies Blog Planner:

*Sigh*
It is no news that I love cassandra, for her consistency and awesomeness, from the gift wrap down to the personal note, Its an essential item for me, being the procrastinator extraordinare and also a way of telling her “Great Job Cass”

Wrist Watches

This is such a Beauty
Because the Daniel Wellingtons I want are quite expensive. Still one can only hope

Cake: Ever Since I saw temi’s interview of the CEO of Waracake.com, it became love at first click, or anything at all called cake, I have never eaten a cupcake before so I will not say no to anything cake that day.

Waracake.com is not far, really this cake won't be bad.

Books: what’s a birthday without books.
The two books on my list are

1. Girl Boss by Sophia Amoruso

2. On Black Sisters Street by Chika Unigwe

I still want my john Greens Paperback or hardcover version of “The Fault In Our Stars”

A Laptop: see ehn if you know how hard it is to write with a phone ehn…… Still an oldie but a goodie won’t be bad. If you have a used laptop that still works I am open to receive, or a new one. Sister; Brother Let God use you. Amen?

A Phone: My Blackberry is about to pack up soon. So I won’t say no to one beautiful android baby.

Ice-Cream and Good Company:

See if I say am a sucker for sweet things I wouldn’t be lying, so I want ice-cream and someone who will make me laugh.

Bracelets: I am not a fan of jewelry, so I wear bracelets instead, I will not say no to these.
I no mind at all.

Stationery: I am a hoarder when it comes to this area, Ann has always been the one giving me these things.

Cocktails and Dinner: Something simple.

Well that’s it sha.

My Birthday is on the 26th of March.
Email me : suzanneobasi@airtelng.blackberry.com
If you have questions as to where to ship or deliver the cake and gifts to.

A girl can only hope *sigh*

Light and Love

Suzanne.

Poems, THINK

This Is How To Die- A Poem

Eat up every poison laced meal of self
doubt and wash it down with a glass of anxiety.

Take a knife to your soul and shred every bit of kindness your mama ever taught you, Because being a flower in world where everyone is concrete Equates vulnerability to Weakness.

Inject your veins with a Milligram of blood curling screams worth of criticism from friends and foe alike and recite it as your daily Mantra.

Stay close to the edge of the cliff that was made from seeking Validity, for existing in a world where everyone wants to be seen or heard.

Choke on your Words because you believe that if you shout loud enough, you will be heard, you see; the world spins madly on and so even when you are speaking so loudly all they see is lips moving.

Accept Poison, Laced in the form of a relationship, Have it eat away at your Self-Esteem, teaching you to only want the small things, While accepting Scraps and calling it Love.

Set yourself on a platform disguised as friendship, become a hang man, put your head in a noose and watch friends turn into butterflies, fluttering away while you watch the breath slip from you.

Stab away at your soul for being the one who takes up space, who shows up every single day and lives.

Gamble away your life at a particular table called Apology, Say sorry for every single decision you’ve ever made, even for fighting everyday to stay alive.

Better yet………

Choose daily to shred off all the weight, the disappointment, the hurt, the pain, by pouring Gasoline on your being and taking a match to you.

Because you believe that the only way to destroy what they had put in you was to burn down your whole body, while chanting “When there is nothing else left to burn, You set Yourself on Fire”

This truly is only how to become ashes when you were always meant to be the phoenix.

XoXo
Kamnelechukwu-Obasi

Fiction

OLANMA

I was 6 when I noticed that one side of Olanma’s face was sagging, so low like Iya Lasun’s aged breast which had nursed five children, it was often rumored that if you put a beetle on those breasts it would start “standing” like Aunty Laide’s own, so it was natural that I,Ogechi and Ugochukwu would call Olanma and put Ugo’s beetle on the sagging part of Her face just so that her face will stand too.

Mama chinedu caught us one day, and threatened to tell Mama, one knows that the fear of “utali” is the beginning of true wisdom. So we left olanma’s face to its fate.

On the morning when Olanma started running towards us with the same gait that Chuma the imbecile ran with, one leg few inches apart, one hand bent at an awkward angle, refusing to lift its head like Mallam Musa when he slept at his kiosk ,with spittle drooping by the corner of her lips, I stood there rooted to the ground, my brain willing me to move .

I was the smart 6 year old who had always wanted to become a doctor, I had read all the medical magazines that Brother Dami brought back from Randle General hospital to know that Olanma had partial stroke, I told mama but she told me ” That children do not suffer from stroke, only old men, who worked from dawn till dusk like Chief Olugbemi who owned the yellow house where chidinma lived, suffered such unfortunate diseases”

Everyday people came to pray in her house, they would scream and beg God to make the devil leave her alone, they scrubbed her head with iron sponge, that type that Mama Ugochukwu use in washing her iron pot, one night I heard her scream, the type Toheeb screamed when brother Saheed locked him and beat him with koboko.

That night when Olanma couldn’t move again, Papa Tolani came with his big motor and carried all her family members, her brother who we called professor, told us they were going to the “hospitah”

Later that night I had dreams of Her, but in my dreams, her face was standing and her hair which was coiled to perfection like that Fulani man who stayed at Musa’s kiosk was combed backwards and her big brown eyes were staring at me accusingly, before I saw her in the tiny box where she laid still and closed her eyes.

Okoro told me that everybody said it was somebody in our compound that poisoned her, that she ate food in Mama Blessings house and since then her face started sagging. what one did not know, one did not speak of; Mama hushed me and told me to go wash the beans so that we will start going to the junction to sell evening market.

I guess I had him to thank because It prepared me for the drama that hit our yard that afternoon, when Mama Chinedu came back and poured water into Mama Blessings house and swore to kill one of her children if Olanma died, Mama told me that it was motherly instinct that made her speak in such a ridiculous manner, she told me that when one was Faced with the reality of losing a child, one turned to a person capable of murder.

I stood in our parlor which was located at the other side of the compound and told God that if Olanma lived I would stop making her do my chores while I stuffed myself with mama Bose’s rice , and go to church every friday for children class, armed with the things I had been told at church that God Loved Me and will answer me.

This afternoon all the men in Mama Chinedu’s house and Mama Blessing’s house came together they were speaking in hushed tones and looked too serious. Like the way those elders in that “feem” “Okonta” looked when the community was in crises.

I knew it that moment that things would never remain the same. I still prayed under my breath, Lord let her live, because really what is a human being without hope? No one told me that hopes could be crushed into dust. No one told me that little girls could die and leave holes shaped like them in peoples heart.

So when Papa Tolani’s van stopped in front of our yard, and I saw one small looking box at the back with white clothe on it, I knew that all my sunday school teachers had taught me the wrong thing and I would never go to children class again

It dawned on me that,God Loved me, But Sometimes He Loved Little Girls with sagging faces that refused to stand.

“Kamnelechukwu Susan Obasi”

Featured, Friendships, THINK

Life Lately + Giveaway Win

Beautiful People; A very Happy New Month to Everyone.
There are sins you commit and your mouth becomes too stiff to apologise.
My heart isn’t hardened yet.

My people I am on my knees, apologising, I didn’t and wouldn’t abandon my blog. Life and school happened to me.

School has a way of stealing our groove, especially mine.

Yet here’s what has been going on with me.

BOOKS
I read 50books last year and it felt so good to finish something, (Queen B of procrastination here), so I decided to do 60books this year and I haven’t read up to 20, help me someone. But I am currently reading;
1. Ghana Must Go by Taiye Selesi.
2. Of course I love you! Till I find someone else by Durjoy Datta
3. We are water by wally lamb
And a book review is coming up soon and I have Afoma to thank for the book. An Untamed State by Roxanne Gay.

Movies
As a recluse I went to the movies alone; twice.
Mad Max is an intense movie.
I finally saw Pitch Perfect 2 lol
Then the series Empire> you saw that one coming didn’t you?
Jussie smollet is Bae.

Blogs I have been stalking
Ahem please as opposed to itimi calling me a silent stalker, I think you’re awesome that’s why I stalk you.
So in no particular order
1. Cassandra Ikegbune’s blog-this is my daily drug
2. Kunmi Oni’s Blog– because she’s wise, like a big sister.
3. Afoma’s blog– some people say it better than you, and her photography is all shades of awesome.
4. Ebunite’s– because she has the most hilarious and deep links to things, plus she reads.
5. MenoWord– she is deep.
6. Grace’s blog– I love grace #nuffsaid.
7. Duru’s Blog #nuffsaid
8.Temi’s Blog – baby this list ain’t complete without you.
9. Sisi’s Blog– Her baby is cute and she is amazing
Finally
10. Dobby’s– because deep down I am a sworn foodie.

Music
This has been the most amazing part of my life
1.Bobome remix by ada
2.Hillsong’s Empire album is all shades of awesome; street called mercy is my favourite
3.For king and Country-Fix my eyes and Shoulders
4.Jenn Johnson of Bethel music- in over my head and I can feel you.
Finally Morgan harper nichols ft jamie grace – storyteller. Had it on repeat for days.

Lessons Learnt
Just a handful. A new post would be put up later for this.
Never ever doubt yourself. You are Enough
Love is a Verb.
Be kind to yourself
Humility pays.
When you feel down, buy a new shade of lipstick.

Giveaway wins

I won my first giveaway on kunmi’s blog. Her ebook from the series can be dowloaded at
#31DaysOfLovingLikeJesus she’s the elder sister I never had.

Thanks to Duru of YNC blog, Chief caretaker, number one womanizer of africa for checking up on me while I was away.

Well guys that’s what’s up.

Will update more.

I love you guys more than you imagine.
Let me know what’s been going on with you; leave a comment below.
Remember there is beauty and color in your life, shine on.

Friendships

For Gweni; The Reason May Became Special :)

“You Go Dey Alright She Said”
I still find myself saying that phrase when I feel overwhelmed or uncertain about a certain situation.

This is for that one time when we met on the streets of twitter.

This is for that one time we felt “Americanah” was highly overrated.

This is for the other times when I felt like we were kindred spirits.

This also is for those times when distance became so unbearable, and we could go days without speaking to each other, but when we do we just pick up from where we left off.

This also is for those times when I would whatsapp you about something that made me happy or sad or I just wanted gist.

This is for when you amazed me and gave me a book I had longed to read. “Jeffrey Archer’s – A Twist in The Tale” ok not give exactly but prompted me in downloading it”

This too is for that one time when you wrote me that beautiful note, I still feel butterflies when I read it.

This is also for that one time when you told me about side hustle, when you support my art with your words.

This is also for all the beautiful memories we would still share; yeah for the bachelorette parties, the baby showers, Long phone calls, the traveling to see places, buying all the books on amazon, eating all the chocolate we lay our hands on, serving God diligently and getting old and trying to see whose gray her fits her more.

There are friends you would meet and they simply “get you”, no pretense. They encourage you to see past your flaws, and dare you to be you.

I wouldn’t even start to tell you how amazing you are, even without having met you I just know it, like Gods Word Shut up in my Bones.

I pray you soar, I pray you shine, I pray you win daily.

Come June 2015 I hope to work miracles, then we can eat a big cake on your behalf, but for now I am just content with saying happy birthday to the most amazing person on earth.

Words aren’t enough Gweni’ to say all I want to say.

Daughter of consolation.
A Blessing.
A Lifter of Men.
An encouragement.

I love you from the very depth of my heart *dont you dare roll your eyes at me*

Happy birthday Gweni’. You deserve all the love in the world.

Love Suzanne.

THINK

On Ideas And Reality

We constantly get ideas.

We fall in love with ideas of how we want our lives to be, how easy it is to tell strangers versions of ourselves we either shy away from or wish was true, how it was easy to create in our minds versions of our lives we imagined.

We fall in love with possibilities, things we hope will happen and the
people we hope they become rather
than facts about the way they really are, a possibility or a reality? There is a huge difference.

She knows what she wants but her mind is warped up in the possibilites and she sticks around hoping it becomes a tangible reality.

He pushes You around, throws hateful words till it becomes your daily confession, reduces your self worth to a puzzled mess, but with each new day you shrug it off,

Yesterday becomes a tiny speck of dust, a minute annoyance., its a different day you say.

Some days are different, but some days not so much,Because when it’s bad, it’s awful.
You become someone who tolerates.
You become someone who hopes just
enough too much that you ignore
what’s going on right in front of you.

You settle.

We fall in love with ideas.
We meet someone who we see more
than just wasted time with.

We put up with
things that we shouldn’t and call it
endurance. We even like the way it
hurts. High off their love. Drunk from
their hate and inadequacies.
and we love it the more we suffer.

The truth is, it shouldn’t be this way.
No relationship is or will ever be
perfect, but it’s time for you to look in
the mirror and yell some reassurance
to yourself.
“I Am Enough, And Infinitely Loved
And I Don’t Need To Wait Because
I Am So Worth It Right now. I Am
Awesome”

Ideas are great. They feed our
dreams and keep us motivated. It’s
possible that I’ll one day get a big
House in Lekki, Be CEO of a multinational company and go on vacation arond the world. But what’s better
than that idea? The reality. The
reality of the big house, Dynasty, and more vacation.

It’s possible that he’ll stop demoralizing you with words.
It’s possible that she’ll stop Lying to you and using you for Cash.
It’s possible that he will Call you frequently than necessary.
It’s possible that she’ll stop cheating behind your back.
It’s possible that you don’t have to beg for him/her to love you unconditionally.
But what’s better? The
reality.

The reality of freeing yourself
from a toxic situation. We wait on
things to get better, and that’s the
most noble of qualities we have. We
endure. We suffer. But waiting
becomes tolerating at some point, and
the line between the two is
unfortunately quite blurry.
Sometimes we fall in love with ideas
and things we want to happen, rather
than facts and things that are certain.

If you ever want to find that true
happiness that you’re actually worth,
you’ll find a way to break free of that.

Its a Conscious Choice.

This is something I have to tell myself daily.
“I Am Enough, I Am So Worth It”

#SayNoToEmotionalAbuse
#SayNoToAbuse

Poems

I Forgot- A poem

I Forgot what Freedom Felt
like when I became a Prison and called it Home.

I Forgot what Peace could do to a troubled mind when I became a Terrorist,held myself Hostage and declared myself a Ransom.

I Forgot what Joy Tasted like the minute I started Expecting too much of this Fragile mind.

I Forgot Love could Liberate a Shackled Soul when I Happily Caged myself in the Fulfillment derived from hearing your Approval.

I Forgot that Mercy could clear a fogged mind ridiculed by the sunniness of Guilt.

I Forgot what Lust Could do to a “man”, it trains him to confuse freedom,Peace,Joy,Love and mercy with temporal satisfaction and cruelty.

I Forgot that Words meant different things to different people, because sometime when people say hello what I hear is “Bye”

On days like these when I truly Remember these things.
I Hope to remember not to forget how to Forgive myself.

I Hope to Remember the Days that I Truly Fall in love with Simply being alive 🙂

“Kamnelechukwu-Suzanne”

Fiction

“That Awesome Love Story I Wrote”

Be Warned This is not a typical Boy meets girl story!
Sue doesn’t do Sappy.
Its beautiful in a way.
And its my second attempt at writing fiction.
……………………………………………..
I stood there glancing at the sky, that was so blue it hurt to look at it, but was so radiant and perfect that it broke your heart in a good way to not look at it, I have been standing here feeling the weight of all my baggage weighing me down.

No man wants a girl with all my baggage, look at me with all my self doubt,insecurities,I found what
appalled me: a zoo of lusts, a bedlam of
ambitions, a nursery of fears, a harem of
fondled hatreds. My name was legion.” Far
from being a bad, morbid, overly
introspective thing, yet this man has decided that I was the only thing that mattered to him.
It was too good to be true. I kept staring at the sky, sometimes silence was all that was needed, nature can be a comforting companion no need for it to reply to the questions buzzing in my head but yet providing serenity to bring me back to sanity.

I remember my first encounter with him; it was on a cold wednesday when I felt like my world was crumbling, I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed, suffering from one of my depression bouts that I picked up a letter from him, telling me how much he loves me, It annoyed me so much, that I flung it to the far end of my room. Why would this man lie to me? Is it not enough that I am alone and lonely? Why should he care to love “me”. In my anger I decided I was going to talk to me about his little prank and end it before it got too far.

I got out of bed, feeling woozy from lying down too much and taking painkillers in attempt to dull a pain whose source was more emotional than physical, how does one cure emotional pain with painkillers? I took a shower,dressed up and prepared to write him back.

I finished writing in two seconds with words “Leave me alone, I am not good enough”
I picked up his letter and was looking for a return address and was pissed when all I saw was “In Your Heart”

What kind of man signs a letter with “in your heart”?
Besides who writes letters in 2015 anymore? Chuckling to myself as I remember the Nipost office down my street.
Still I wouldn’t be bothered.

I decided I was going to look up his profile just to get a kick out of it. I Searched for his name on Google and suddenly the color drained from my face, what sort of Joke was this?
He isn’t even wealthy enough to take me on dates, has no ferrari, porsche, nor family name, he wasn’t the most attractive of men.
My love life is doomed if men like this were seeking me out.
I looked for a phone number, so desperate to call him and warn him to “Piss off”
What I saw actually pissed me off, his phone number was “just talk am listening”
Are we in the stone age?
I quickly turned my data off.
What a waste of time.

I suddenly felt the sudden need to try the silly idea just because I didn’t want him to contact me anymore.
I sat still thinking about what to say, I wasn’t raised to be rude, I started by saying my name, and why I was calling him. Leave me alone was all I said, it was barely a whisper but I hoped he got the message.

As I went about doing whatever caught my fancy. I noticed another letter on my table that simply said.
“I will never leave you nor forsake you even till the end of time”

Rolling my eyes at the letter I shook my head, this is the corniest pickup line ever. I flung it with the first one that I saw in the morning.

Why would this man love me so deeply?

I decided to talk to him again
I was bored.

The more I talked the more enchanted I became with him, I didn’t want to stop talking. I would tell him everything from who started a fight with me, to who I felt hated me, to how I didn’t like being depressed and stuff. Almost everything.

I didn’t have to bother about talking too much, he was there, even at 2am when everyone was sleeping, when I became sick he wrote me saying ” I have Healed you”

I didn’t want it to stop.
It was personal, something to finally call mine. I didn’t want to share.

I found out I just wanted him to not stop replying, and oh the letters after the first two was so beautiful.
I say again I didn’t want it to end!

He told me of how they killed him, no lot literally, they smashed nails into his hands and legs and left him for dead. He died! And I cried so much because i was the reason he stayed on the cross.
His love was so great that that pain had nothing on that love.

But then

I started cheating
I started messing around his brain.
I started playing mind games
I found someone new.
I had mistaken a prince for the King.
I wanted out!

I didn’t speak to him for days.
I wouldn’t read his letters.

I killed him all over again!

Yet he was so kind.

He brought me gifts, he would make me laugh until my stomach hurt.
I still loved him.
But I put him in the Dreaded Friend Zone
When all he wanted was for me to Love him so Badly.

Then calamity struck.
The toad I left him for messed me up so bad that I didn’t know what to do. He broke my heart to smithereens.

Yet I cried out to him and he answered.
He nourished me back.
He steadied my heart once more.
And here I am basking in the warmth of his constant Love.
And he got me wondering why I ever left him in the first place.

I ask again, why would a perfect person love a flawed lady like me?

Then something happened.
I thought he was cheating on me.
I realized everyone loved him, and he loved them back.
You could say he was a Ladies man.
I couldn’t imagine him having the kind of relationship he had with me with anyone else.

But he wrote me a letter ” Love is not Jealous” he said.

He is everything I want and ever would need

I am his bride and someday I hope to be united with him.
He is Emmanuel, Love personified.

The Love of my Life.

I am Suzanne and this is My Love Story.

THINK

2014: Year of valuable lessons

I love chocolates and big books and I cannot lie about it.

So if you love me please get me John Green’s happy/sad awesome book, hardcover version “The Fault in Our Stars’ AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Kari jobe, tenth avenue north and hill song are the best things that happened to my play list this year.

I completed my goal of reading 50 books this year, ok more than 50 actually.

Best book I read this year: the Rosie project by Graeme Simsion.

The heart is a fickle thing, so God did his steadying of hearts job on me and I can say its beautiful.

This year started out really bad but that’s why valleys have slopes abi?

The reason I tagged it my year of valuable lessons is this; when you turn 21 your perspective about life starts to shift, the lessons I learnt this year cannot be un learnt.

I look back to the beginning and still find that there are some things I could have done differently, some things I definitely regret but life didn’t come with an instructional manual.

MY LESSONS FROM 2014

In no particular order, I believe that after a while things start to get clearer along the way; you start to see things differently than you used to.

Compromise is king: this was written explicitly in my journal *yes I still keep one* in my relationships with the people I met, I realized that sometimes it’s ok to not always get what you want.

Being vulnerable: I am not the kind of girl that likes being around people, for some weird reason, I don’t allow people into my space, but this year has taught me that no matter how high you build walls to block people out, dangote fit run out of building materials. For the people I built windows for on those castle walls, I hope 2015 brings wood to build doors.

Forgiveness : I remember a friend at school saying that I carry too many baggage for a young girl, and boy was it true, I rarely forget things that people do to me , I can say I forgive you, but no matter how hard I try I never seem to forget. But what’s the point of forgiving someone if you can’t forget? I learnt that this year.
Being single really doesn’t hurt, you would cry, feel alone and still be strong, life is too short to be unhappy.

When you worry you insult GOD. AS SIMPLE AS THAT: hello my name is Susan and I worry too much, this year I was so anxious of everything, my exams, my finances, relationships, I would worry till I got so overwhelmed by human emotions and I would cry, if you know me , you would understand, I cry so much but God taught me the futility of worrying and actually being still even when am so restless.

Cutting of unhealthy relationships: this year was a real eye opener for me with humans, I can’t claim to be an expert in human relationships, but the little I know is this if you give people a chance they will surprise you be it in a good or bad way.

Being spontaneous: I travelled to a town I had always wanted to go to, I did spoken word on stage in uyo, I sang karaoke and I lived oh yes I lived this year…..

Depression really kills your drive for anything: it’s no news that I used to have depression but this year I defeated the damn thing, my laughter actually sound like music to the ears. To all the people who helped me defeat this thing I say thank you. Some days might be rough but like mike says “if you die today, I will come and eat rice at your funeral, forget you in a couple of days” life is still too short to be anything but happy.

My relationship with God: I would rate myself a 70 percent on this level, it was amazing working with him, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It taught me to seek my happiness in him and every other thing would fall into place psalm 37:4-5. He really came through for me.

Family really is everything. For my mum who taught me resilience, my dad who taught me the beauty of silence and patience, and my siblings who taught me that sometimes it’s ok to be silly.

Lastly it taught me that there is no fear in love (1jhn 4:18) , sometimes I really wanted to give up, let everything go but his love truly held me down. Love held him to that cross, love pushed him to see through my flaws and call me his own. “No man holds a worthless thing in high esteem, neither does my Lord” he saw me fit to be loved when I was unlovable, for this reason I choose to love others the same way.

On this note I end the year, it wasn’t perfect but I have learnt to find joy in the ordinary.

The simple pleasures that life has to offer like friendships, good food, sound health, good books, twitter, good music, flowers and serenity shows me that life after all is worth living.

Here is to a splendid 2015, with no expectations at all other than to live to the fullest.

Here is to being happy.

This year I turned 21 and I became truly happy.

THINK

NIGERIANS DON’T HAVE DEPRESSION!

Light comes on
Susan screams.
Cobwebs everywhere
Picks broom
Cleans everywhere.
With dust covered face,
she turns and gives the most
Heartfelt apology ever

Women and Men of Reflections, I should write an apology letter for abandoning this beautiful thing we have going on here, but God knows I probably won’t finish it in time because the thing long die, so please have mercy on me and pardon my weird disappearance.

What happened you might ask? The only answer to that question is this: school happened, I know am supposed to write about what I’ve been up to but boring cannot describe it sef.

Hope everyone forgives me.
*bats eyelashes, drops makeshift microphone,picks the most powerful weapon ever; The pen and starts writing furiously*

Fellow reflectionist *sounds beautiful* make una help me talk this matter, cause I don tire to dey hear all this things wey people dey load me with.

I have 99 problems and depression is part of it. Are you upset cause I talk about it? Deal with it.

So a guy friend walks up to me and says “Nne I’ve been watching you for days now and you don’t look happy, remember a problem shared is a problem solved”
I look into his soulful eyes, thanking God for sending me someone to talk to and I answer
“I am depressed” and he goes “Nigerians don’t have depression”

***awkward silence*** More depressed susan*** she packs her bags and storms off to God knows where***

Now that scene happened for real, anyone who knows me will know that I try to be open-minded about this depression issue as much as I can, shey make I begin give definition of this depression thing? I beg to differ after all wetin google dey exist for?

But am going to say something about about this thing once and for all.
1. You are weak in the faith that’s why the devil attacks you with depression: Religion has nothing to do with depression, even david in the bible was a classic case of a depressive, advice the person to get Help if you can’t say something else.

2. Get over it: (˘̯˘ ) you think I like being this way?

3.You only have negative thoughts that’s why you are depressed: Positive thinking might alleviate depression but its not the cure.

4. You are weak that’s why you have depression, errrm its the opposite am a mutant soldier who carry’s on living despite having depression.

5. You think too much: like really?

But this is the truth:
i think it’s important to recognize the number of factors that contribute to a person’s behaviors and perception of the world.And I know that some people-regardless of their upbringing,or despite having a ‘healthy’ upbringing- will make poor choices.  and even then, i attempt to understand

Because what i know is that you cannot reduce people to hasty generalizations based on your limited understanding of their situation because of facts stated it is much more complicated than that. And also there are still so many people in this world who do not understand. who choose not to understand. and who continue to blame people for the suffering they do not take the time to understand.
And so if your understanding of depression or suicide is one that blames the person who is struggling with the mental illness, i would challenge that your knowledge of their life and experiences is incomplete. i would challenge you to have one conversation with a person who has had thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide, or who struggles with a mental illness. i challenge you to be curious rather than judgmental, open minded and open hearted.

I challenge you to seek to understand rather than assume that you already know, because you really do not know. 

For those whose suffering feels unnoticed,For those people who feel quietly stuck inside their mind, those that feel hopeless,whose cries for help are mislabeled or misunderstood as cries for attention or flaws in their being,For the people who feel too tired to continue living,For people who struggle with depression and For people who don’t,For people who are having a bad day,or kerosene subsidy hit you, or Nepa keeps robing you of your joy, or those who have horrible bosses, for those with plenty friends yet extremely lonely and for those people who don’t understand the illness but are willing to try. 

There is still time to ask for help, to smile, to heal, to live, to love and to recover
There is still time for sunshine, love and every beautiful thing you could ever imagine to come into you heart, there is still time to live again.

And for those asking why I cut my hair in the first place, I did it because I wanted to attempt suicide, and I thought people would notice I needed help for my condition but people only made me feel worse about it, and yes I finally found help for my condition, even though its hard to talk about sometimes. Get help if you are depressed.

If you ever want to talk about somethings or nothings, please do email me edensue7@gmail.com.

Love Suzanne.

Featured, Poems, Rants and Bants, THINK

BRING BACK OUR GIRLS

Here is to giving our Girls the permission to Be instead of becoming all that the society has for them.
Here is to women all around the world reclaiming their bodies and welcoming themselves back home.

BBOG.jpgBring back our girls, the now popular hashtag reads.

The Chibok girls kidnapped 1014 days ago,

with about 194 of them still missing

and we demand must be brought back home.

 

But who will bring back our girls?

The ones who still live under our roofs but are missing nonetheless.

We hold their hands, looking into their eyes,

yet wondering where they must have wandered off to.

 

Who will bring back our girls?

The ones who should be in class,

But are out on the streets, selling short their dreams,

because only boys grow up to become Presidents?

 

Who will bring back our girls?

The ones who are held hostage in arranged marriages,

and have become slaves to estranged husbands.

Girls who are constantly apologizing for their innocence.

 

Who will bring back our girls?

The ones who work in the baby factories

and repeatedly trade off…

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