Sitting here with knots in my stomach, thinking this is probably a bad idea to think about, talk more about executing it.
But I spoke to someone awesome yesterday (hey ink heart) and she inspired me into doing this. For years I refused to face my demons, they left my head and sat on my throat, refused me to speak up and set myself free, but not any longer. I have never tried writing to myself before and I hope this makes a huge difference.
“Chaos reigns in every head, and people judge you based on the fact that your chaos is way different from theirs”
Dear Child of God,
Starting tomorrow you will no longer be a teenager, people especially family will look at you and call you an “Adult”, but wait why doesn’t it sound new or exciting to you? I guess it’s because you have been an adult long before you turned age 10.
Learning to hustle with mum, and having to deal with her not being emotionally present for you, even when you were willing to tell her everything, by everything I mean including all the abuse you suffered at the hands of those so called uncle and brother in your neighbor hood, not forgetting your own cousin.
I remember you hugging your knees in that small room you shared with your aunts and willing the pain to go away. You had to learn to hide your body in big clothes and pray that no one would notice how fast puberty had hit you; considering the fact that you saw you first period at age 9.
I remember all the rape attempts, and the impact it had on you, the panic attacks every time you walk down the road, being scared for no reason. You are still learning to fight it.
I remember you telling your self repeatedly how sinful you were making people lust after you like that.
I remember you freaking out after you found out about the hole in the bathroom someone was playing “peeping tom” on you. It made you cry because there was nothing you could do about it,
Child of God! I remember you having your first melt down and being called a psycho. It was horrible.
I want to tell you that things didn’t get better either, because you left your self at the mercy of whatever life threw at you.
I remember that first boyfriend you had. You were so tired and frustrated at your mom, because dad had to go away because of his illness and she had no time for you, she had to hustle.
You loved her but you needed more, you needed her approval.
So you got a first boyfriend, which started out fine, at 10years it was all you dreamt it would be. But it turned out to be a horrible mistake, he was coming from a dysfunctional home. And he turned out to be a girlfriend beater. He would hit you,send his friends to beat you up with canes and you could do nothing about it.
I wish you knew then what you knew now, things wouldn’t have been that bad. High school was a living nightmare. Your friends were the only source of joy and comfort you had (thank you oluchi,belema,annette and lizzie)
Dear one, I remember it all like it was yesterday and I would like to say that looking back at all that has happened to you.
You turned out just fine.
You learnt to smile even though you were hurting.
You learnt to forgive.
you learnt to live above the expectations of anyone.
you learnt to be you.
You understood that being a teenager meant confusion. And as a girl, it wasn’t easy. From dealing with your body, to boys, to drugs/alcohol, to sex and beyond.
And I wish you would stop beating yourself mentally for all the wrong decisions you made. Life can only get better.
You understood after all that you have to accept you first before anyone could.
You are still growing and learning to evolve from you shell.
You are a work-in-progress.
And each time I look at you, I see someone beautiful,strong,smart and virtuous. Who yearns to live according to her creators master plan.
Each time people cast aspersions on you, I look at how you take each bullet encrusted word and turn it into a weapon to shield your self. You wear your weakness like an armour each day and laugh at those who try to use it to hurt you.
After cheating death over and over again, you understand the importance of the creators role in your life. And I know that you won’t be planning another suicide attempt anytime soon.
And each day is a battle you fight honestly to win, against depression, panic attacks and the devil.
I am proud of you; Obasi Susan Kamnelechukwu AKA Eden.
And no matter what happens, you must learn to trust the creator.
Stop waiting for people to save you, ask him to help you.
Because people care, but they might never understand.
Also unless you open up, they might not know how you feel inside.
Am happy you learnt to live and thrive.
Am happy you are alive………
With a Huge smile on my face
Happy birthday in advance.