A day has passed since my world collapsed around me, and I had to go through the torture of watching it in anguish and pain; yet a part of me is awesomely glad that all those things had happened for they could have been the ruin of everyone involved.
Am starting to think that I have a FETISH for broken hearts and the scars they leave in their wake. Because with each passing of every tragedy, I begin to crave for another.
I should probably call myself the SCAR COLLECTOR (spoiler alert!) Someone else has that job description but with a different name.
Only that with this tragedy I find myself devoid of any humanly emotion possible.
Am bereft of the pain that actually follows after a tragedy.
I feel tired and empty.
I keep staring into space, thinking the same thoughts till my brain starts to ache and I fall into a fitful sleep.
It will pass, I tell myself.
Until I Read John Green’s awesomely happy sad book The Fault in our Stars, I cried for an hour hoping that the tears might bring release not because it gives me sheer pleasure to do so even though am not ill with any terminal disease, I felt completely in sync with the main character in the book.
Spoiler alert! He made all the stories up, even though it was too surreal to be fiction, I laughed as hard as I cried.
I never cry for books or movies *puts on Badass geek glasses*
But with all the roller coaster of emotions swirling in circles around me, I find myself constantly upset and Bawling is the only logical Reaction my weary brain could think of.
Some infinities are greater than other infinities.
you damn sure get to choose your battles, but the truth remains that no matter how many battles you win, the constant War we engage in with the universe just to be noticed because we fear OBLIVION leaves us at constant loss.
Striving to win a battle but losing a war is as good as not being existent.
Choose wisely Sue.
For now I demand to be left in peace to actually enjoy the gift of PERSONHOOD, even though its never easy.
Just like Hazel Grace in the book whom even with faulty lungs she survives, yes she does.
So even though my world has crumbled, I am going to rebuild it, like Mike said “But the realization that feelings can come over and over again is liberating”
Yet I will not forget to live in the moment.
Till my emotions allow me (Spoiler Alert!) I am not going on a Hiatus.
I shall be sane for a little longer. 🙂
Kamnelechukwu Obasi 