Fiction

“That Awesome Love Story I Wrote”

Be Warned This is not a typical Boy meets girl story!
Sue doesn’t do Sappy.
Its beautiful in a way.
And its my second attempt at writing fiction.
……………………………………………..
I stood there glancing at the sky, that was so blue it hurt to look at it, but was so radiant and perfect that it broke your heart in a good way to not look at it, I have been standing here feeling the weight of all my baggage weighing me down.

No man wants a girl with all my baggage, look at me with all my self doubt,insecurities,I found what
appalled me: a zoo of lusts, a bedlam of
ambitions, a nursery of fears, a harem of
fondled hatreds. My name was legion.” Far
from being a bad, morbid, overly
introspective thing, yet this man has decided that I was the only thing that mattered to him.
It was too good to be true. I kept staring at the sky, sometimes silence was all that was needed, nature can be a comforting companion no need for it to reply to the questions buzzing in my head but yet providing serenity to bring me back to sanity.

I remember my first encounter with him; it was on a cold wednesday when I felt like my world was crumbling, I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed, suffering from one of my depression bouts that I picked up a letter from him, telling me how much he loves me, It annoyed me so much, that I flung it to the far end of my room. Why would this man lie to me? Is it not enough that I am alone and lonely? Why should he care to love “me”. In my anger I decided I was going to talk to me about his little prank and end it before it got too far.

I got out of bed, feeling woozy from lying down too much and taking painkillers in attempt to dull a pain whose source was more emotional than physical, how does one cure emotional pain with painkillers? I took a shower,dressed up and prepared to write him back.

I finished writing in two seconds with words “Leave me alone, I am not good enough”
I picked up his letter and was looking for a return address and was pissed when all I saw was “In Your Heart”

What kind of man signs a letter with “in your heart”?
Besides who writes letters in 2015 anymore? Chuckling to myself as I remember the Nipost office down my street.
Still I wouldn’t be bothered.

I decided I was going to look up his profile just to get a kick out of it. I Searched for his name on Google and suddenly the color drained from my face, what sort of Joke was this?
He isn’t even wealthy enough to take me on dates, has no ferrari, porsche, nor family name, he wasn’t the most attractive of men.
My love life is doomed if men like this were seeking me out.
I looked for a phone number, so desperate to call him and warn him to “Piss off”
What I saw actually pissed me off, his phone number was “just talk am listening”
Are we in the stone age?
I quickly turned my data off.
What a waste of time.

I suddenly felt the sudden need to try the silly idea just because I didn’t want him to contact me anymore.
I sat still thinking about what to say, I wasn’t raised to be rude, I started by saying my name, and why I was calling him. Leave me alone was all I said, it was barely a whisper but I hoped he got the message.

As I went about doing whatever caught my fancy. I noticed another letter on my table that simply said.
“I will never leave you nor forsake you even till the end of time”

Rolling my eyes at the letter I shook my head, this is the corniest pickup line ever. I flung it with the first one that I saw in the morning.

Why would this man love me so deeply?

I decided to talk to him again
I was bored.

The more I talked the more enchanted I became with him, I didn’t want to stop talking. I would tell him everything from who started a fight with me, to who I felt hated me, to how I didn’t like being depressed and stuff. Almost everything.

I didn’t have to bother about talking too much, he was there, even at 2am when everyone was sleeping, when I became sick he wrote me saying ” I have Healed you”

I didn’t want it to stop.
It was personal, something to finally call mine. I didn’t want to share.

I found out I just wanted him to not stop replying, and oh the letters after the first two was so beautiful.
I say again I didn’t want it to end!

He told me of how they killed him, no lot literally, they smashed nails into his hands and legs and left him for dead. He died! And I cried so much because i was the reason he stayed on the cross.
His love was so great that that pain had nothing on that love.

But then

I started cheating
I started messing around his brain.
I started playing mind games
I found someone new.
I had mistaken a prince for the King.
I wanted out!

I didn’t speak to him for days.
I wouldn’t read his letters.

I killed him all over again!

Yet he was so kind.

He brought me gifts, he would make me laugh until my stomach hurt.
I still loved him.
But I put him in the Dreaded Friend Zone
When all he wanted was for me to Love him so Badly.

Then calamity struck.
The toad I left him for messed me up so bad that I didn’t know what to do. He broke my heart to smithereens.

Yet I cried out to him and he answered.
He nourished me back.
He steadied my heart once more.
And here I am basking in the warmth of his constant Love.
And he got me wondering why I ever left him in the first place.

I ask again, why would a perfect person love a flawed lady like me?

Then something happened.
I thought he was cheating on me.
I realized everyone loved him, and he loved them back.
You could say he was a Ladies man.
I couldn’t imagine him having the kind of relationship he had with me with anyone else.

But he wrote me a letter ” Love is not Jealous” he said.

He is everything I want and ever would need

I am his bride and someday I hope to be united with him.
He is Emmanuel, Love personified.

The Love of my Life.

I am Suzanne and this is My Love Story.

Advertisements
THINK

NIGERIANS DON’T HAVE DEPRESSION!

Light comes on
Susan screams.
Cobwebs everywhere
Picks broom
Cleans everywhere.
With dust covered face,
she turns and gives the most
Heartfelt apology ever

Women and Men of Reflections, I should write an apology letter for abandoning this beautiful thing we have going on here, but God knows I probably won’t finish it in time because the thing long die, so please have mercy on me and pardon my weird disappearance.

What happened you might ask? The only answer to that question is this: school happened, I know am supposed to write about what I’ve been up to but boring cannot describe it sef.

Hope everyone forgives me.
*bats eyelashes, drops makeshift microphone,picks the most powerful weapon ever; The pen and starts writing furiously*

Fellow reflectionist *sounds beautiful* make una help me talk this matter, cause I don tire to dey hear all this things wey people dey load me with.

I have 99 problems and depression is part of it. Are you upset cause I talk about it? Deal with it.

So a guy friend walks up to me and says “Nne I’ve been watching you for days now and you don’t look happy, remember a problem shared is a problem solved”
I look into his soulful eyes, thanking God for sending me someone to talk to and I answer
“I am depressed” and he goes “Nigerians don’t have depression”

***awkward silence*** More depressed susan*** she packs her bags and storms off to God knows where***

Now that scene happened for real, anyone who knows me will know that I try to be open-minded about this depression issue as much as I can, shey make I begin give definition of this depression thing? I beg to differ after all wetin google dey exist for?

But am going to say something about about this thing once and for all.
1. You are weak in the faith that’s why the devil attacks you with depression: Religion has nothing to do with depression, even david in the bible was a classic case of a depressive, advice the person to get Help if you can’t say something else.

2. Get over it: (˘̯˘ ) you think I like being this way?

3.You only have negative thoughts that’s why you are depressed: Positive thinking might alleviate depression but its not the cure.

4. You are weak that’s why you have depression, errrm its the opposite am a mutant soldier who carry’s on living despite having depression.

5. You think too much: like really?

But this is the truth:
i think it’s important to recognize the number of factors that contribute to a person’s behaviors and perception of the world.And I know that some people-regardless of their upbringing,or despite having a ‘healthy’ upbringing- will make poor choices.  and even then, i attempt to understand

Because what i know is that you cannot reduce people to hasty generalizations based on your limited understanding of their situation because of facts stated it is much more complicated than that. And also there are still so many people in this world who do not understand. who choose not to understand. and who continue to blame people for the suffering they do not take the time to understand.
And so if your understanding of depression or suicide is one that blames the person who is struggling with the mental illness, i would challenge that your knowledge of their life and experiences is incomplete. i would challenge you to have one conversation with a person who has had thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide, or who struggles with a mental illness. i challenge you to be curious rather than judgmental, open minded and open hearted.

I challenge you to seek to understand rather than assume that you already know, because you really do not know. 

For those whose suffering feels unnoticed,For those people who feel quietly stuck inside their mind, those that feel hopeless,whose cries for help are mislabeled or misunderstood as cries for attention or flaws in their being,For the people who feel too tired to continue living,For people who struggle with depression and For people who don’t,For people who are having a bad day,or kerosene subsidy hit you, or Nepa keeps robing you of your joy, or those who have horrible bosses, for those with plenty friends yet extremely lonely and for those people who don’t understand the illness but are willing to try. 

There is still time to ask for help, to smile, to heal, to live, to love and to recover
There is still time for sunshine, love and every beautiful thing you could ever imagine to come into you heart, there is still time to live again.

And for those asking why I cut my hair in the first place, I did it because I wanted to attempt suicide, and I thought people would notice I needed help for my condition but people only made me feel worse about it, and yes I finally found help for my condition, even though its hard to talk about sometimes. Get help if you are depressed.

If you ever want to talk about somethings or nothings, please do email me edensue7@gmail.com.

Love Suzanne.

THINK

NOTE TO SELF: EVERY TEENAGER IS CONFUSED

Sitting here with knots in my stomach, thinking this is probably a bad idea to think about, talk more about executing it.

But I spoke to someone awesome yesterday (hey ink heart) and she inspired me into doing this. For years I refused to face my demons, they left my head and sat on my throat, refused me to speak up and set myself free, but not any longer. I have never tried writing to myself before and I hope this makes a huge difference.

“Chaos reigns in every head, and people judge you based on the fact that your chaos is way different from theirs”

Dear Child of God,

Starting tomorrow you will no longer be a teenager, people especially family will look at you and call you an “Adult”, but wait why doesn’t it sound new or exciting to you? I guess it’s because you have been an adult long before you turned age 10.

Learning to hustle with mum, and having to deal with her not being emotionally present for you, even when you were willing to tell her everything, by everything I mean including all the abuse you suffered at the hands of those so called uncle and brother in your neighbor hood, not forgetting your own cousin.

I remember you hugging your knees in that small room you shared with your aunts and willing the pain to go away. You had to learn to hide your body in big clothes and pray that no one would notice how fast puberty had hit you; considering the fact that you saw you first period at age 9.

I remember all the rape attempts, and the impact it had on you, the panic attacks every time you walk down the road, being scared for no reason. You are still learning to fight it.

I remember you telling your self repeatedly how sinful you were making people lust after you like that.

I remember you freaking out after you found out about the hole in the bathroom someone was playing “peeping tom” on you. It made you cry because there was nothing you could do about it,

Child of God! I remember you having your first melt down and being called a psycho. It was horrible.

I want to tell you that things didn’t get better either, because you left your self at the mercy of whatever life threw at you.

I remember that first boyfriend you had. You were so tired and frustrated at your mom, because dad had to go away because of his illness and she had no time for you, she had to hustle.

You loved her but you needed more, you needed her approval.
So you got a first boyfriend, which started out fine, at 10years it was all you dreamt it would be. But it turned out to be a horrible mistake, he was coming from a dysfunctional home. And he turned out to be a girlfriend beater. He would hit you,send his friends to beat you up with canes and you could do nothing about it.

I wish you knew then what you knew now, things wouldn’t have been that bad. High school was a living nightmare. Your friends were the only source of joy and comfort you had (thank you oluchi,belema,annette and lizzie)

Dear one, I remember it all like it was yesterday and I would like to say that looking back at all that has happened to you.
You turned out just fine.

You learnt to smile even though you were hurting.

You learnt to forgive.
you learnt to live above the expectations of anyone.

you learnt to be you.

You understood that being a teenager meant confusion. And as a girl, it wasn’t easy. From dealing with your body, to boys, to drugs/alcohol, to sex and beyond.

And I wish you would stop beating yourself mentally for all the wrong decisions you made. Life can only get better.

You understood after all that you have to accept you first before anyone could.

You are still growing and learning to evolve from you shell.

You are a work-in-progress.

And each time I look at you, I see someone beautiful,strong,smart and virtuous. Who yearns to live according to her creators master plan.

Each time people cast aspersions on you, I look at how you take each bullet encrusted word and turn it into a weapon to shield your self. You wear your weakness like an armour each day and laugh at those who try to use it to hurt you.

After cheating death over and over again, you understand the importance of the creators role in your life. And I know that you won’t be planning another suicide attempt anytime soon.

And each day is a battle you fight honestly to win, against depression, panic attacks and the devil.

I am proud of you; Obasi Susan Kamnelechukwu AKA Eden.

And no matter what happens, you must learn to trust the creator.
Stop waiting for people to save you, ask him to help you.
Because people care, but they might never understand.
Also unless you open up, they might not know how you feel inside.

Am happy you learnt to live and thrive.

Am happy you are alive………

With a Huge smile on my face

Happy birthday in advance.

Love Eden

XoXo Eden.

THINK

ON FEELING USELESS

Have you ever felt useless?

Am sorry, let’s get a little bit personal here. Shall we?

Precisely about a month ago I started having bouts of this feeling in spasms and it kinda gets to me- I am just being honest-

It’s like i want to be as useful as I can be in whatever it is I am doing, helping with whatever little experience I have gained over the years. But it only seems that people have no interest in what you can do; they would rather pay you to do what they want you to do, even the ones you have no knowledge about. At least I try to learn to do it, and I don’t feel angry about it. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows am all about learn, UN-learn and re-learn strategy.

It’s the same everywhere ranging from our families, friends, relationships and the larger society. It’s so sad that people tell you that they accept you for who you are and in the next few seconds they are already telling you what they would like you to change about who you are, trust me they are very subtle about it. It may seem like a harmless advice most of the time but trust me if you go down to the root of this matter the only person that benefits from the so-called change is the adviser.

In my personal relationships, I often feel useless. It’s like I want to be as funny, entertaining and inspiring as I can to help people in my own little way, but they don’t see it that way, I feel that people want you to do the things that you can’t do, and they get disappointed when you don’t do those things, most times I don’t even have interest in the things they want me to do.

They want you to do things their way regardless of how it makes you feel. They say things like; I am only looking out for, I only want the best for you. Without them even listening to what you have to say.
It’s only proper that I set things right here.

Here is what happens when you try to change who you really are based on what people’s opinions are. A life filled with depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses, and it doesn’t get better.

It’s safe to say that my kind of introvert is extreme, while growing up I wasn’t the outgoing type; people called me weird especially my mum, my friends made fun of me and called me “granny”, so I decided to change. I started doing things that were out of my comfort zone, started acting and pretending, it’s ok that after so many years my brain decided it has had enough. What followed next was Depression.

My brain told me girl, I am tired of having two personalities, no more acting and pretending, I am shutting down until you learn to be you again. We all have our dark days but until you learn to face your demons headlong they will keep sitting on your lungs till they choke you to death.

There’s something wrong with this picture. There’s something wrong when I feel like I can’t create a life according to my strengths, but my life can be judged by my weaknesses. And they’re not even weaknesses. They’re just the things that I can’t do. And most of them, I really don’t want to do either.

I have to evolve further. Instead of expecting these people to get it, I’m the one who has to get it. I’ve got to stop relying on and allowing other people to define me and my worth.

I realized that if I have to do what everyone thought I should be doing I would become a mutant and become crazy. Or if
I became depressed anytime someone made a joke about how overweight, boring, stupid, or worthless (that’s to say the least) I was, I would be a patient at “yaba-left” (its a home for people with mental issues)

It’s fine for me to feel useless when I’m actually being useless, when there is evidence to back up that claim.

When I am trying, working. Learning, brain-storming and sweating, but the results of that aren’t visible to anyone except me; it doesn’t mean I’m useless.

It does mean that others can’t possibly see my world through my eyes. I have to forgive them for that. And I have to forgive myself for not realizing all of this sooner.

XoXo Eden.