Opinion+ Self Help, Rants and Bants, THINK

Unlearning Self-Hate

I used to be clueless about self love; well not anymore. Lately I’ve been learning and the process for me can only be described as grueling, painful, and liberating.

I used to think loving one’s self meant being proud and turning your nose up at peoples opinions and walking around with a superior air.

While growing up I thought it was something that was gotten from having done something right. Something that I described as a well DESERVED payment for doing good.
These days I find myself learning that, that analogy is faulty.
I am learning that Self Love means giving yourself the permission to just “Be” and being content with all that you are.
It is taking the all that you think you know about love and unlearning it.

I certainly will not say that you hate yourself, far from it, but if you are anything like me you feel like whatever move you make is being scrutinized by the entire universe and that unless they give you permission love would forever seem like a myth. You want to feel like you Deserve Love unless you’ll feel like a fraud.

We sacrifice every waking moment to the quest of waiting hand and foot on people to tell us they need us and validate our actions.

It nauseates me to think this is what I spent my 22yrs on earth doing.

We throw ourselves at the mercy of these people and enthrone them, living off the scraps they offer us. But we have the choice to forever hold up our hearts to people who would forever keep smashing them to bits or take our hearts polish them and say its ok to not know what love is but I know hurting isn’t loving”

The truth is this I haven’t mastered the art yet, I am still learning, but the more I learn the easier it becomes for me live a life filled with joy and peace.
It is easy to want to compare and belittle yourself at whatever chance you get. Just because we haven’t accomplished the things we should have at a certain age.

If we keep doing that it simply means we don’t really like ourselves at all.

I have lived so much in self hate that love now seems like a distant cousin whom I’ve never met.

But I have chosen to abandon self hate and instead start on a road that encourages me daily to embrace my flaws and all the goodness that oozes out of me even though I am shortsighted to see it sometime, That same path that shows me the escape hatch out of the perfection mentality, the constant need to be more.

These days I simply allow myself “BE”, clipping the wings of wanting to tear myself down with my thoughts, sleeping on the couch of self-forgiveness instead of lying in bed with liars whose constant torment of ” You are not enough” used to be the gospel I preached to myself daily.

Love is patient, Love is Kind…….

Love is doesn’t hold back the best of itself

Love does not pick days to love

Most importantly……

Love Does Not Hate Itself

With Love
Suzanne.

Rants and Bants, THINK, TidBits and Random Stuff

On Turning 23

It is quiet just like I thought it would be.

I am learning that social media is the worst tool to measure where you are right now as a person, its ok if you aren’t where you wish you would be, social media doesn’t tell you that instead it feeds us with the craze to want to make our stories the same and I decided to fight the tide.

I wish there was a hand book that would tell me how to navigate “Adulthood” especially freshman year.

If its anything to go by, its the realization that I don’t have to beat myself up for not being where I should be.

The only Selfie I took on my birthday; I was very uneasy
The only Selfie I took on my birthday; I was very uneasy

Its saying no to self-hate and understanding that I am a miracle….

It is straightening this shriveled up body that has always wanted to please everyone and abandoning apologies (thanks ore)

Its enjoying the quiet that comes with my awkward social life.

Its smiling steadily as my Dad for the first time in my life “Says Happy Birthday” to me.

Its saying hang on “kiddo” you may not have all the cake you want and stuff on your wishlist, but you’ll get there.

So here is to me being the best version of my self, to serious soul searching, conscious living and brave decisions.

You are loved infinitesimally by a God who knows what’s up.

Be a Hermit/Recluse/Socially Awkward person all you want, this world is a brighter place because of you.

So I really don’t know how to navigate 23 yet but I know one thing, its going to be the best year yet.

Love And Light
Sue